For obvious reasons, I think it’s fair to assume that my husband is no stranger to making mistakes. In the aftermath of his affair(s) coming to light, his mistakes now have a resounding common theme ….. saying and doing the “wrong” things.
Granted, there is no handbook the provides remorseful husbands with all the right things to do and say to their brokenhearted wives. BUT, if ever there was a time for someone (namely my husband) to learn the art of tact and conscientious actions, NOW is that time.
As someone who has just had her world completing ripped from under her, I dissect every word, every action….and rightfully so. Any misstep on my husband’s part and I immediately second guess his intentions, his feelings, my decisions and our future together.
Most recently, the aforementioned missteps have presented themselves in the form of two little innocent words – “CHILL OUT.”
These words have taken up permanent residency in my husband’s daily vernacular along with their not-so-distant cousins “CALM DOWN” and “YOU’RE FINE.”
NO, I will not “Chill Out”
NO, I will not “Calm Down”
NO, I am not “Fine”
I am sympathetic to my husband’s desire for this ordeal to be far behind us. Who would want to see their wife un-chill, un-calm and un-fine?
That being said, it is infuriating to be told these things. It sends the message that whatever is upsetting me is no big deal. It discredits my feelings and implies that they are somehow unwarranted or over-inflated. Overall, it’s selfish.
My husband wants so badly for the “episodes” to end, for the painful memories to disappear, for me to be “FINE.” That would be easier on him. What he fails to realize is that in reality there are times that I cannot calm down or chill out and as much as he wishes otherwise, I am not fine.
While I cannot snap my fingers and make my husband’s life easier by instantly being “fine” and I cannot provide a step by step guide to remorseful spouses that will ensure smooth sailing on the road to recovery, I can provide a little insight into the needs of the betrayed spouse …. or at least insight into the needs of this particular betrayed spouse that is.
If you are attempting to repair the damage you caused by betraying your wife (or husband):
- Give your spouse all the time he/she needs. The time to process what has happened, the time to come to terms with the truth, the time to accept your actions, the time to accept your remorse, the time to trust, the time to heal. Even though this time will often be inconvenient for you, GIVE IT.
- Be what he/she needs. Any time, any place. Be present. Be compassionate. Be honest. Be loving. Be understanding. Be remorseful. Be a friend. Be supportive. Be patient. Be the spouse you should have been all along.
- Let him/her experience emotion. As painful as it may be for you to watch, it’s HEALTHY and NECESSARY for her. Let her cry. Let her mourn. Let her get angry. Let her hate you. Let her love you. Let her hate the other woman. Let her have moments of sadness. Let her not be “FINE.”
- Prove yourself. Prove that you aren’t that person who caused this pain. Prove that it really was just a mistake and not indicative of your character. Prove that your remorse is genuine and your words are true.
- And finally, DO NOT tell your spouse to “Chill Out,” “Calm Down,” or that they are “Fine”
My email signature does not contain the letters PhD and thankfully I have no previous experience in affair recovery, so I cannot guarantee that a few bullet points containing the ramblings of a recently betrayed spouse will make this process easier …… but it doesn’t hurt to try!
The Affair Diary 
Excellent and perfect list. The other response that caused more devastation was “I think you are over reacting”. In this situation there in NO over reaction.
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I have learned that they will say anything that diminishes the magnitude of their actions. My husband NEEDS me to be “fine” so that he doesn’t have to be reminded of his actions and his guilt. They NEED to downplay our reactions and emotions because otherwise they might have to actually *gasp* face the repercussions of their actions. What they don’t understand sometimes is that their inability to fully recognize and acknowledge our pain is the same type of selfish behavior that got them into this mess in the first place. xoxo
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My husband’s last misstep was telling me that he didn’t feel like getting yelled at that day. For context, I texted him that I was upset and having a hard time getting out of my mood and I needed him to come home and help – he was running errands so this was not urgent stuff and I sent it through a text, with no capital letters or exclamation marks to indicate I was yelling (it’s been months since I’ve yelled, actually, though I cry daily). I just told him that he will take the emotions I have – because he may not want to get yelled at but I absolutely don’t want to think about his affair and only one of us had a say in this. I remind him that he is free to go. He came to me and I cried a lot. Maybe they all say the wrong thing. Maybe there is nothing to say that would be right.
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My husband says things like that as well. My response is usually something snarky to the effect of “well I didn’t FEEL like having my life destroyed but things don’t always work out as we’d imagined.” xoxo
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You are so right! I resonate with what you say completely. Your advice is spot on! A few months back I was out drinking with friends and forgot the time. When he came & picked me up (angry at me not texting him to let him know) he said that what I did was ‘unacceptable’! UNACCEPTABLE? UNACCEPTABLE???? WTF? Let me tell YOU what’s f**king unacceptable… I’ll leave the rest of my rant to your imagination. Tough shit to all adulterers – this is a shitty consequence that we didn’t ask for!
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I know this rant well. I definitely know all about seizing those moments when they leave the window open to remind them of the damage THEY caused. Last night, for example, we were driving to dinner and someone nearly crashed into us. I was in a bad mood so when we passed the idiot, I gave him the finger (yes, I know, VERY ladylike). As we walked into the restaurant, my husband said “I hate when you do that.” I responded “do what?” and he said “get that way with other drivers.” I am sure you know where this is going….. “oh yea? well there are certainly some things you do that I don’t like…..”
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I know it’s not funny but you do remind me of me and this actually makes me smile ☺️ I’d love to be a fly on the wall – especially to see husband’s face when he realises he’s crossed a boundary.
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I was told last night “you just need to chill”. About what, I asked. Just about life, he said. Everything is good, he said.
If this is what his new therapy is doing for him, we’re wasting our money.
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I completely understand your frustration and even though it sucks we are all living varied versions of the same awful life, it is comforting to know that I am not experiencing some anomaly….. that my husbands’ asshole behavior is just par for the course. I do think that they SO badly want us to be ok, want the marriage to be ok, want their dirty deeds forgotten, that they take an “if you build it they will come” approach to the process. Like, if I say ‘everything is fine’ enough times then eventually everything really will be fine. What they don’t understand is that they cannot manipulate the process. We gave up on the therapy after 2 visits. I would talk and cry. He would sit silent hanging his head in shame. It was a waste of time in my opinion … at least it was for us. We get more accomplished on our own, usually when I read him excerpts from my blog or the blogs of others and open a discussion that way. xoxo
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Oh we gave up on couples’ therapy after the second session. I thinking hauling him in there 3 days after D-Day was too soon, but what did I know then? Nothing.
Despite my comment above, I’m still hopeful that his individual sessions will result in something… I was hoping for some introspection or a little maturity to come of it at least. Probably hoping for too much, but I remain an optimist.
But you’re so right about them wanting to believe we are “fine”. I’ve lost count of how many times just tonight I’ve been asked if I’m OK. Sure, I’m ok. Until I wake up at 3 am and listen to him sleep like a baby for the next three hours, like he hasn’t a care in the world. I only wish I could sleep like that again!
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to this post and all of the above comments – “FOR REAL!!!” It’s amazing how my husband can set me up with a perfect comeback to shoot him with! So easy I just cant help myself!
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