The First Step Is Always The Hardest…..

No one ever said this journey would be easy.  And if they had, they would be liars.

Once the truth of my husband’s indiscretions had finally trickled their way out and I was no longer spending most night’s crying myself to sleep while curled in a ball on the bathroom floor, the logistics associated with the “recovery” process began to present themselves.  I started to focus on all the hurdles I would have to face in the near future, namely, the holidays.

A few weeks back, I spoke of my apprehension surrounding our upcoming anniversary.  A day I now refer to as “October Fool’s Day.”  This would be the first (of many) days which would truly test my strength …. and commitment to this exhausting journey.

Well, it is now October 2nd and my corpse isn’t writing this post so it’s safe to assume that I survived the first anniversary (of the day we made vows to each other which he broke) since learning of his affairs.  It wasn’t easy, but October 1st is now safely behind me.  They say the first step is always the hardest and I’ve crossed the first hurdle as we embark on the holiday season.

For those of you longing for me to tell you that this anniversary was filled with surprises, romance and newly forged memories….. sorry to burst your bubble but it was an awful day, likely because I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

I no longer feel that the day we were married or our marriage leading up to the discovery of his antics are anything worth celebrating.  October 1st is not a special day, but rather a painful reminder of a marriage filled with lies, betrayal and selfish hurtful acts.  Why would anyone want to celebrate, let alone acknowledge, a day like that?

I woke up hyper-aware of the date and my mood aligned with my feelings about the day from the minute I opened my eyes.  I went about my morning like any other…. except for the fact that I was filled with contempt for my husband and our marriage.  He did not mention the day as I got ready for work so I figured maybe he had forgotten as well, or was choosing to pretend it didn’t exist like I was.

And then IT happened…. I came into the kitchen and saw a red envelope on the counter with the words “To My Wife” on it.  I know it was just a harmless card.  But it was a harmless card I did not want to see.  So I did what any mature adult would do in a situation such as this – I pretended not to see it and continued to get ready.

Unfortunately my plan was slightly flawed, as my husband was perceptive and persistent …. What a fitting time for him to suddenly develop those traits.  He cornered me in the hallway and presented the infamous red envelope to me in the same way I imagine he served up his penis to his whore – with complete and utter shame.

I didn’t know what to say and just blurted out “NO!”  I walked away stating that this day no longer exists and I won’t partake in it moving forward.  He sat there in silence and began to tear up as I left for work and spent the day getting mentally/emotionally  assaulted by a barrage of betrayal bullets that stupid red card fired at me.

I spoke to him via text throughout the day, having the exact conversations we’d had shortly after DDay.  Why?  How could you?  Am I only your back up since you couldn’t be with her?

Amazing how one day and one red envelope could send me back to a place I’ve come so far from over the past five months.

BUT….

The beauty of a day is that it only lasts for 24 hours and tomorrow, actually today, is a new day.  One that is NOT October 1st.

I woke up this morning feeling “normal,” or at least the new version of it these days.  I felt bad for rebuffing the card and asked if could have it.  He handed it to me and I put it in my bag.

When I got to work, I opened the card.  I don’t know if it was intentional or not, but there was no mention of the “A” word (anniversary…not affair) contained anywhere on the card which was a pleasant (and if intentional, then thoughtful) surprise.  On the front was a heart made of puzzle pieces.  The inside the card simply read “You complete me.”  He wrote a short note saying how much he loves me and is lucky to have me as a wife.  I definitely hated that red envelope a lot less on October 2nd.

I guess I have made it through the first of many challenges I will face, especially during this first year after DDay.

As a child, when excited about an upcoming day, event, trip, etc., I would countdown using the number of “sleeps” I had to endure until the BIG DAY finally arrived.  I suppose these days I live in fear of (holidays, birthdays, anniversaries) really aren’t THAT bad.  I just have to make it from one ‘sleep’ to another to survive the day and to continue on to the next step…… I just hope I don’t fall down the stairs.